


Feelings

by barrowman_angel



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-20
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2019-01-20 09:59:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12430404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barrowman_angel/pseuds/barrowman_angel
Summary: An insight into Bernie's mind and whats shes thinking from the moment she joins Holby to falling in love with Serena and beyond





	1. Chapter 1

It was Bernie's first day working at Holby City Hospital. She was trying to leave the army life behind and get her work life balance thing right. it was going to be hard as she couldn't stop thinking about her friend, college and secret lover Alex Dawson. Alex was Bernie's best Friend in the Army they always looked out for each other and a bit more besides that. She tried to put Alex out of her mind while starting her new job.

She parked in the staff car park and got out as her phone went off it was her husband Marcus. she answered it and started chatting away. After a few minutes walked across the car park and ended the call. she heard a load of yelling and cursing coming from across the car park she looked up to see a dark short haired woman moaning at her car. Bernie stopped and stared for a moment. she was of slim build and slightly shorter than herself and very attractive she thought. She then looked down at her watch and noticed the time if she didn't hurry, She would be late for her first shift. everything she saw in the car park went out of her mind as she raced up to Darwin for her first shift.

Later on in the day during her break she went outside. She stood by the entrance and looked around she took a single cigarette out the packet, thought for a moment and went to light it, Her phone went off, it was her husband asking her how the day was going she was about to tell him it wasn't going too well, When she heard someone yelling, She looked up to see it was the dark haired girl she saw earlier yelling at someone down the phone about her car. Bernie stood there for a moment and smiled.

She was the most beautiful person she had ever seen Bernie thought. She wondered for a moment whether it was a good idea or not but then decided she would just go over and help her with the car she did know a bit about them. she wondered over and started chatting it turns out the Woman's name was Serena Campbell and she was a surgeon at Holby city. Serena seem to know all about Bernie. Bernie smiled she kind of liked that, being known to people she didn't even know herself. or was that weird? she couldn't tell but loved it all the same. Bernie got talking to her about quiting smoking. Serena smiled back at Bernie, Bernie left Serena to try and fix her car while she finished the text message she had started a few minutes earlier. she was going to tell her husband it wasn't going too great, but this was before she met Serena and her mood had changed. funny how meeting one person can change your whole mood. she simply wrote Shift going well, didn't bother to go into any details.

Even though she had met a beautiful woman, She still couldn't get Alex out of her mind. Wondering what she was up to. It was one of the hardest thing Bernie had ever done telling Alex she wasn't coming back to the Army and that she was going to try and give her marriage another shot. She at least owed that much to Marcus after all those years away on the front line, or was she just kidding herself how could she keep going on when all she could think about was Alex. It was beginning to effect her work and it couldn't go on. but she decided that decision was for another day, see how it goes for now. Maybe Alex might get back in contact with her?. Who was she kidding of cause she wouldn't, But Bernie clung on to the hope that one day she might. 

3 weeks later one morning Bernie was popping to Pulses for a coffee she had a perticually late night and needed something to fully wake her up. Bernie stood at the till looking at the menu just as Serena turned up beside her. they started chatting about work and how it was quite on Keller. Bernie said it was great being having less work to do but in reality she didn't much like would have prefered to work on somewhere like AAU with the fast pace and madness. Afterall she was an army major turmor surgeon and being really busy was 2nd nature to her. They stood in silence for a moment while they wait for their coffee's they had ordered. Bernie stood in a trance just watching Serena as she collected her coffee. For a moment she stared at Serena and her wonderful figure. Something stirred within her, what could it be love, lust, friendship she couldn't be certain. Serena bid farewell as she took the lift to AAU, Bernie stood and watched as she left. She thought for a second. No snap out of it Wolfe, Bernie thought you're married and you've already had an affair with a woman you're not on the look out for another one, you're meant to be giving your marriage another try. Things at home weren't too good at the moment. She wasn't adjusting to survillian life like she thought she would and the fact she was still very much in love with Alex wasn't helping either. To be fair it was making things worse with Marcus, Bernie was snapping at him all the time and could hardly bare to look at him anymore. Things couldn't go on the way they was. but what was she going to do. what was she going to tell marcus?. Things had become a total mess. She was working late leaving the house early just to try and have as little contact with her husband as possible. 

Nearing the end of her shift while on a break she wondered outside to sit on a bench by the entrance. she was sitting there in a trance when Serena came up and sat next to her. Bernie had never sat that close to Serena before for the first time she could properly see how Beautiful she really was with her big bright eyes and wide smile. They got chatting about family, Not that Bernie felt much like a family person at the moment. She tried to do the right thing by everyone but it wasn't working, it was then she realized that she had to make a go of her marriage try and get something out of it. That was easier said then done she thought. Serena told her to call her if she ever wanted a chat this was a tempting offer to Bernie. But was that a good idea? every time she saw Serena her heart was beating a little too fast and her mouth would go dry. This is what it felt like when she first met Alex while in the Army. This really wasn't a good idea, in future she would have to try and avoid Serena, To make sure she didn't end up falling for her. thankfully just then Sasha came running out calling her name, asking for her assistance back on Keller. Bernie gave a sigh of relief and went back inside.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is mainly about Alex and bernie's feelings towards her its all got to be in there or else how does she properly fall for serena later on in the series

It's been 8 weeks since Bernie joined Holby City and things were just about getting back to normal. Well what was normal she really didn't know after spending so much time in the army over the years. But her relationship with Marcus was getting better and she had tried her best not to think about Alex. Alex hadn't contacted Bernie once since she had phoned her to say she wouldn't be back. That hurt a lot but she had to be adult about this and give up any hope of seeing her again. 

It was a cold day in April, Bernie got out of her car at the hospital and was yelling down the phone at her son, when Serena came by. Bernie was in two minds about seeing Serena again, it had been over 5 weeks since the last time they had chatted. Her mind said don't talk to her, life is getting better with Marcus and she didn't really need another woman. But yet again her heart was telling her another story. Her heart was beating really fast yet again. she sighed, Get a grip Bernie thought you can chat to another woman without falling for them. They started chatting about how Bernie wasn't really a maternal person, Being away in the Army had been mostly to blame for that. She tried her best with her children when she was at home but it didn't always seem enough. Now she had left the army she was trying to get that relationship back with her children, It was going to take time, She was getting further with Cameron than with Charlotte, She seem more the Daddy's girl. it was like Bernie was a stranger to her and Bernie couldn't blame her for that. They walked into the hospital together and went their separate ways. 

Bernie was working on Keller with Dr Copland and Dr Digby when she was paged to go to the scanning room to help out. Bernie wondered why she was being called away from Keller. She walked down the corridor and entered the scanning room. Bernie was asking Dr Copeland why she had been paged and what this was all about. But he didn't have a clue what was going on, As he had been paged as well. Then all of a sudden a firmilar voice came from behind her. Bernie's heart stopped for a second she know that voice anywhere. It was Alex Dawson, Alex from the army the one she fell for, the one shes been trying to get out of her mind ever since. loads of questions went round in her head. But foremost she was angry how dare she be dumped over the phone and then rub salt in the wound by coming to work at the same hospital as her. Bernie turned round to see Alex standing there with a small grin on her face. Seeing Alex after all this time awakened so many feelings inside of her she thought she'd managed to bury. Her mind was racing at 100 miles an hour as Alex was explaining about the patient she had in the scanner. Bernie was thinking all sorts, but she was trying to be calm about it all. She tried so hard not to show any of those feelings and to act professional about it all. Do the job in hand and get out of there. But at the same time she was so mad how dare she come back after all this time. Life was beginning to get better again, with Alex and the army behind her. Who was she kidding life wasn't that great, in the past few weeks she has become even more distant with Marcus. In her mind she would love nothing more than to leave Marcus and run away with Alex. But there was the little matter that no one even knew she was gay, she'd lived the last 20 odd years as a lie, lying to herself and lying to others.

Just then there was a problem with their patient and they rushed to help him. While they was working to save their patient, Bernie's heart was racing. She couldn't help but feel something, the old magic spark between them, like when they worked on the front line together. After managing to stabilize their patient, Alex proclaimed it was just like old times. Bernie thought for a moment, i can't let this happen i can't slip back into old habits. she quickly walked out of the scanning room. Her head was thinking one thing but her heart was feeling another and it wasn't right. This was all too confusing for her and she needed space to get her head around it. Ric came in to congratulate them on a great team effort. Alex went onto talk about how they knew each other from the army, and how good Bernie is as a medic. Alex was also explaining how they both got blown up by the same IED and that she pulled Bernie to safety saving her life. Bernie owed her life to Alex, she quite liked Alex being the hero, although she wouldn't admit it. Alex always admired Bernie for the medical skills and was why she paged to help out. Bernie got a bit annoyed that Alex had just told Ric all about her life in the army. Bernie had been at Holby City about 8 weeks now and managed to keep that part of her life hidden, until now that was. She was quick to pull Ric aside and plead her case to get someone else to handle the case and not Alex. How dare she rock up just as i'm getting on with my life. she had got use to life without Alex and the army and now Alex was back she didn't know what to feel anymore messed up wasn't the word.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> more Alex yes most people don't like her but its got to be said was going to put all the rest of it in one chapter but i thought it would be too long so just one more chapter after this with more alex in it just bare with it i will get to the berena stuff

Bernie, Alex and Dr Copland checked on the patient later in the day. while in the room together Dr Copeland was asking Alex why she had decided to leave leave the army. Alex was in the mist of telling him when Bernie interrupted them and sent Dr Copeland out to chase up some test results. Bernie was getting even more annoyed at this point. She asked Alex what she as really doing here, But didn't expect the answer she got. I don't like loose ends. Alex then gave Bernie those puppy dog eyes, the ones she always found hard to resist. Alex would mostly use them in the army when she would ask Bernie for her help and she would refuse. Alex would give her the eyes and Bernie would drop everything and come running. Loose ends thats rich coming from someone who dumped me over the phone when i told them i wasn't coming back Bernie thought. Alex was becoming more and more hard to resist as the day slowly went on and it was really messing with her head. Bernie didn't want to go back to her days in the army when she would hide away with Alex, grabbing love where ever she could. that was her old life and she was trying to leave it behind. 

Bernie and Alex went into the corridor. They started to argue, Alex's words Rang around Bernie's mind. We can't all press rewind and start over. She had a point, but Bernie was desperate to try, if not for her, for the sake of her family. Alex swore her secret was safe. But in that one moment Bernie wanted the whole world to know, she wanted to give up lying and tell everyone she was gay. but thought better of it. Deep down she was still very much in love with Alex and happy that she had come back, she just didn't want to show it. she was trying to do the right thing. She was doing what her head thought was best not what her heart wanted. something stirred within her, Bernie was still very much in love with Alex and her coming back just made it worse. She always loved the way Alex would call her Bern no one else ever did that. Alex stormed off, Bernie watched her leave.

Later on After checking on their patient, They walked off down the corridor Alex was asking Bernie how life being back with her family. Bernie wasn't prepared to discus it with her. Bernie was getting even more annoyed than usual. How dare she come here and ask all about my life when. I haven't even spoken to her in over 11 weeks. She just said fine and hoped that the conversation would end there. but it didn't, Bernie yelled at Alex to leave the hospital. More of Alex's words rung through Bernie's ears. I'll go when i got what i came for. Bernie stopped dead. Alex really wasn't about to give up easily. Bernie liked that about Alex, if she was after something she would fight for it. It looks like shes gonna fight for Bernie. But in all reality Bernie couldn't give into Alex, that wouldn't be right.

Both of them ended up operating on their patient with Dr Copeland helping. Alex started chatting away about their life in the army Dr Copeland was asking questions. Bernie loved working with Alex side by side, not that she would show it. she was getting more and more angry with Alex as she was revealing more about their life in the army. Bernie was such a private person she really didn't like people knowing about that part of her life. They had to battle to save their patient, which they was unsuccessful in doing so. Just for a moment Bernie looked into Alex's eyes and saw the perfect woman she had left behind, there was a small spark behind those eyes that Bernie couldn't resist. They went to scrub out Alex was trying to reassure Bernie that it really wasn't her fault. Alex tried to reach out to Bernie but she wasn't having any of it. She was afraid that if she got close to Alex that she would fall for her all over again and she couldn't let that happen. 

Alex came into the locker room to see if Bernie was OK. Alex was trying to get Bernie to tell her the truth about her feelings. Bernie really wasn't one to open up about how she felt. It was then Bernie realized she had been stupid to run back to her husband instead of going back to Alex. She really thought it was the right thing to do. But nothing at home was going right anymore, she really didn't want to admit it thought. Bernie really wasn't good at admitting when she was wrong. She always liked sticking to the rules even when she knew in her heart that's not what she wanted. Bernie turned and smiled at Alex she hadn't realized how much she missed that big smile of hers. in fact she missed everything about her. At that moment in time she thought to herself, all she ever wanted was staring her in the face and coming back to her family was the worse thing she could of done. Deep down she knew she didn't love Marcus anymore, just didn't have the heart to tell him that. Bernie wanted to thank Alex for getting her out of there, but Alex wasn't having none of it she would gladly do it again for the woman she loved. Bernie missed the army so much, but more than that she had missed working with Alex. Bernie held Alex's hand, her heart was pounding. She looked in to Alex's eyes, oh how she missed spending hours just holding onto Alex and looking into her big dark eyes. They moved closer to each other their noses touching they kissed. For the first time since she came to Holby She was happy it was the best feeling ever, having that contact with her best friend and lover and she was going to do what ever it took to keep her. As they was kissing Bernie could see out the corner of her eye that Dr Copeland had noticed them. Oh shit she thought this can't be happening no one must see this. She pulled away telling Alex she couldn't do this deep down she wanted it but didn't want others knowing. She ran out of the locker room. 

She ran after Dr Copeland. Finally she caught up with him, he was explaining how he's sorted all the paper work and she just need to sign it. Bernie was trying to plead with Dom not to tell others about what she had just seen. What happens if others find out, what if this gets back to Marcus? she thought. She couldn't bare being the main gossip around the hospital. Dom was telling her that her private life was her own before leaving the room. What did that mean? Bernie couldn't tell for now however she hoped it meant he wasn't going to say anything.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter with alex in it all Serena and bernie after this one

It was the end of her Shift and Bernie was sitting outside on a bench in the cold April air. Dom came to join her. They started chatting, Bernie was trying to convince Dom that she did love her Family and that she was committed to them. Dom wasn't judging her at all, he really wasn't that sort of person, some more of Dom's words rang through her ears. you love who you love there's no shame in that. Bernie thought hes right maybe i should do what i want and not what seems right, something to make me happy instead of trying to please others all the time. Bernie really wasn't ashamed of who she was, but more of the hurt she had caused. That's mainly the reason why she had lived a lie all these years. Marcus had no clue what so ever, and why would he she was so good at hiding it. She'd done nothing but think about Alex since she got back, although she was trying hard not to it really wasn't working. Bernie often wondered what life would be like if only she was brave enough to tell Marcus the truth. But since Alex come back into her life that day she was feeling braver and thinking that tonight might be the night she tells Marcus about being gay and end it with him. Dom gave Bernie some advice Anything is better than living a lie. Bernie thought for a moment maybe he's right. He always did seem to know the right things to say at the right moment. Dom left Bernie alone sitting on the bench. Bernie sat there a while longer thinking about what Dom said, she couldn't let Alex get away she had to fight for her, fight for what she wanted. She was tired of doing what others wanted it was making her unhappy. This time she was going to follow her heart and not her head. She got up and went to find Alex.

She Found Alex a little while later about to leave the Hospital and Holby for good. Alex couldn't bare that Bernie put her family first. Bernie looked into Alex's eyes and begged her not to leave. Bernie pulled Alex into a side room. she tried to Explain but Alex wasn't having any of it. Bernie tried to kiss Alex but she pulled away. Alex told her it was too late. Bernie's heart sank, it's never too late she thought. Bernie had come back for Alex, but to Alex that just wasn't enough. But Alex did come back to find Bernie that must mean something, that she wanted to give it another go. But Alex was annoyed at the fact that Bernie had left her to go back to her family. Bernie could see why Alex would be hurt at that. But Bernie was sure of what she wanted and she tried everything she could to keep this fantastic woman from running off and leaving her behind. Alex had always loved Bernie but didn't want Bernie while she was still living lie. She wanted to see Bernie again see if they could make a go of things, but with Bernie still playing happy families that could never happen. Alex was asking Bernie why she hurt her like that. Bernie simply answered with Because i'm a coward. She always had a tendency to run away when things got tough, rather than face them. Bernie was pleading with Alex but it wasn't working. Alex had, had her heart broken once by Bernie she couldn't go through that again. Alex wanted Bernie so much but she couldn't have her unless she could have all of her and that included Bernie telling Marcus about them and leaving him. Alex gave Bernie a peck on the cheek, She let go of Bernie's hand and left the room. Bernie Stood there heartbroken too many thoughts going round her head all at once. she tried hard not to cry as she turned to see Alex had left. Bernie was left alone with her thoughts. She had just lost the best person she ever loved, even more than Marcus. She knew it was her fault and that she was to blame for Alex leaving. Bernie knew what she had to do and right now she would do anything to get Alex back no matter what. She would take anything Marcus said or did to her she didn't care she wanted Alex back and nothing would stop her.

Bernie had to go home and tell Marcus about the affair and tell him she didn't want to be with him anymore. But she couldn't face him just yet, so she went to Albies for a quick double shot of whisky to steady her nerves. Bernie entered Albies went up to the bar and ordered a drink. Serena came up beside her at the bar to ask how her day went. Bernie simply said challenging. But no matter what had gone on today, the worst was still to come. Serena a Beautiful middle aged woman was standing next to her, her heart would normally be pounding by now. But after today all she could think about was Alex and doing what ever it took to get her back. Bernie proclaimed dutch courage as she downed her whisky in one go. Serena offered to buy her another one. But she couldn't put off going home no matter how much she would have loved to have stayed and chatted to Serena over a few more whiskys. Serena wished Bernie luck as she left Albies.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry for taking ages updating this fic just got back into it enjoy chapter 5

It was a week since Bernie had come home to tell Marcus it was over between the both of them. It had been for some while, but Bernie was trying to kid herself it wasn’t and make it work. Bernie had told Marcus that she had been having an affair with someone while away in the army. She left out all the main details like who it was and the fact it was a woman. She’d dare not tell Marcus she was a lesbian and the fact she had been hiding it her whole marriage. She was just about brave enough to tell him about her affair, she thought it was best to leave out some details. Let’s not make this anymore messy than it needs to be she thought. Marcus had already thrown Bernie out of the Family home, how much worse can things get. But she would rather not think about that. After all that trouble with Marcus she phoned Alex to see if she wanted to get back together but she got nothing from her. She wouldn’t answer her phone. Bernie was annoyed looks like she’s gone to all this trouble for nothing. She had phoned Alex every day for the last week and even left messages but no come back. Bernie was really hurt by this but thought it might be time to move on with her life instead of always looking in the past and holding onto things that are best left buried. 

Bernie had turned up at work to find she had to go give a helping hand down on AAU where they were short staffed. Serena was particularly happy to see Bernie. She was glad to have someone who knew what they were doing helping out for once. She took a load of patient notes from Serena and smiled. This might yet be a great day a fresh start for her. That feeling only lasted about a minute when she heard her name being called. She turned round to see a short stocky man wearing glasses. She wondered what he wanted and how he knew her name. The man was trying to explain that it was a delicate matter and to go somewhere private, but Bernie was getting inpatient and just wanted him to spit out whatever he had to say so she could get on with her day. He handed Bernie a set of divorce papers. She thought for a second maybe it would have been better to have gone somewhere private, but it was too late now. Bernie was full of rage how dare he give me these here at my place or work. Just as she thought her day was looking up a second later it all goes pear shaped. Serena came over after seeing all the commotion to give her some words of comfort not that they helped much. After last week Bernie wanted to get Marcus out of her life for good, start a new one. But now he had given her divorce papers she was annoyed. Ok this is what she wanted but she didn’t think it would be so soon.   
Bernie and Serena were in sitting in the office chatting about divorce. Serena had gone through it all with Edward so knew what Bernie was going through. She offered advice and words of comfort to Bernie. Bernie loved that there was someone there to chat to who knew what she was going through. Bernie was still very annoying but found Serena’s word of comfort quite helpful.

Later that day Bernie and Serena were in theater together chatting about how peed off Bernie was about the divorce. Bernie loved working with Serena in theatre gave them time alone. Bernie seemed to like that not that it happened often. She looked deep into Serena’s eyes and smiled. She never noticed before how dark Serena’s eyes were and how beautiful they looked in the low light. She never thought that after all the stuff with Alex and Marcus she would have any feelings for a woman this quickly, but somehow she was. She tried to put it out of her mind as she went back to work.

Bernie was seeing to a patient with fetch and finding out a bit more about his life. It was nice to be on a different ward for once. Somewhere that was more hectic. She loved it on Keller but it wasn’t fast enough for her, like it was back in the army. That’s why she had enjoyed her time on AAU so much. They were both chatting about their love life, not that either of them had much of a love life. Bernie had only just split up with Marcus and Alex didn’t want to know. Each of them admitted to being single even Serena who was in the corner filing in some paper work owned up to being single. Bernie hadn’t realized that before. For one moment Bernie thought she was in with a chance, but then realized that Serena might not even like women and to not tread over that line just yet. Serena said something Bernie smiled; Serena laughed and looked twice at Bernie. Bernie thought she saw a twinkle in Serena’s eye just for a moment, but she might have been reading into something that wasn’t there. 

Bernie started chatting to a patient tony the guy who had served Bernie with divorce papers earlier on in the day. He gave Bernie his number encase she needed any advice or just someone to talk to. But Bernie said she was fine. Well she said that but what she thought or was feeling was another matter. But she really didn’t want others to know what was going on in her head. He said she might need to talk things through but Bernie really wasn’t one for talking. She preferred to keep her private life just that private. Tony tried to ask if it was just a lovers tiff gone pear shaped. But of course it wasn’t. This had been coming a long time. She should have told Marcus a long time ago, but she had never got up the courage until now. That took some getting used to one moment she was married and living with Marcus the next she’s been kicked out and served divorce papers. Everything changed overnight. But it was the right thing to do even if it didn’t look like it to others. Tony could tell that Bernie was a strong minded person maybe she looked it but she didn’t feel it. 

Serena joined Bernie in Albies across the road for a Drink. Now that Bernie was single she had all the time in the world to go for a drink with colleges. Her phone beeped it was a text from Marcus. Bernie was so annoyed with Marcus for harassing her all day and now he wanted to chat and after the day she had, Bernie didn’t feel much like chatting to him. Not that there was much to chat about. Bernie just wanted to get the divorce over and done with and move on with her life. It felt weird being single again after 25 years but she felt a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Bernie was explaining to Serena how it was her fault he wanted a divorce and not Marcus’s. Bernie was will to give him anything he wanted just to get out quickly. Fletch joined them both at the bar. Telling Bernie not to bother with that card tony had given her; he was just trying to pull her. Bernie and Serena laughed at that. Bernie loved it when Serena laughed; it filled her with warmth and happiness. She sat there and thought for a while this was the happiest she had been in a long time and really wished she had left Marcus sooner.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marcus works on the same ward with Bernie and the truth will out

Bernie turned up for work the next week to find that someone was about to use the theater she had booked, she was so annoyed. It turned out it was Marcus. How dare he come and work in the same hospital as me and take my theater Bernie thought. Marcus asked if she had a problem with him working in the same hospital for the day. Of course she did she was bloody furious but wasn’t going to give Marcus the satisfaction and just said it was fine to keep the peace. Marcus wanted him and Bernie to tell the kids about the divorce. That caught Bernie off guard, but she thought it was for the best tell them sooner rather than later or they could find out from someone else and things could get messy. Bernie asked Marcus to keep it professional while at work. She didn’t want her personal life spreading into her professional life. She was a really private person. She was trying ever so hard not to let Marcus see how annoyed she was that he was here for the day. 

Bernie was rushing around in a panic trying to find Dom. With Marcus being on the same ward for the day and the heart to heart her and Dom had a few weeks ago she didn’t want anything that was said relayed back to Marcus. She didn’t want Marcus finding out this way. She couldn’t find him and decided to send him an email to make sure he wasn’t going to say anything. Just as she sent the email Serena turned up with Marcus. Bernie started flirting with Serena right under Marcus’s nose not that he seemed to realize. Bernie thought that might not be the best thing to do with you’re soon to be ex-husband standing in front of you, but she really couldn’t help it. Serena was one of the most beautiful women she had ever met, so warm hearted and full of wisdom. Serena was only up from AAU to hand over a patient as AAU was full and they needed to get her into theater as soon as possible. Bernie was trying hard not to flirt with Serena again as she didn’t want Marcus to see and find more excuses to bad mouth her. Marcus wanted Bernie’s assistants in theater, Bernie wasn’t sure if that was a good idea. But just to keep the peace she agreed to help out just this once. 

Both Bernie and Marcus were tending to their patient trying to make everything look normal between them both on the surface that looked easy. But it was far from easy where Bernie was concerned. She was trying not to jump down Marcus’s throat every time he said something and finishing her sentences. Marcus knew Bernie inside out and that was the bit that annoyed Bernie the most. Marcus returned a packet of half smoked cigarettes. Bernie had tried hard not to show him she had started again but he could read her like a book. Bernie still hadn’t heard from Dom and was getting worried he might say something so sent him a text in the hope he would reply. 

Bernie was standing outside holding a cup of coffee and an unlit fag when Serena joined her she smiled. She was explaining to Serena how she couldn’t go anywhere or do anything without hurting someone. Serena asked if it was a problem working with Marcus. She didn’t want to show that it was a problem after all it was only for one day that she had to work with him. She would be professional about it and just get through the day the best she could. Serena said that she and Marcus made divorce look easy. But for Bernie it was far from easy, she was just good at hiding it. She wasn’t one for showing her feelings in public. What Serena was trying to say was that things hadn’t gone that wrong between Bernie and Marcus but nobody had lied cheated or anything. But that was the biggest lie of them all there was a lot of stuff Bernie was keeping from Marcus, even more stuff she was keeping from Serena. She just smiled and agreed with her, she didn’t need the whole world knowing. Serena offered to have a talk over a drink someday, Bernie though she might take her up on that offer. She could do with someone to chat to and what better person to chat to about all this then Serena. 

Bernie came back onto the ward, to be greeted by Marcus showing her some test results. Bernie was getting angrier every time she saw him but did her best to keep her cool while in work. Finally Dom came onto the ward and Bernie took her chance to talk to him. She was asking him if he’d got her messages. But Dom had been too busy with other things to get back to her. She was still desperate to make sure he wouldn’t say anything; things could get much worse if anything that Dom knew about Bernie and Alex got out at all. She was trying not to sound desperate but begging Dom not to say anything as her husband was working on the same ward for the day. Dom said it was fine as he was called away to something else. Bernie really hoped he meant it but with Dom you could never really tell. 

Bernie found herself in theatre with Marcus not that she had any choice. She stood there staring into space hoping that Dom meant what he said. Marcus said he knew, for a moment then she thought he was talking about her relationship with Alex. But he was just taking about the patient. She was so jumpy at everything he said. Making sure she didn’t say anything to give it away. After surgery Bernie realised that it was the first time they had both operated together. He said they made a great team in and out of theatre. Although Bernie thought they were good in theatre but not out of it. They hadn’t been a great team for a while but Marcus couldn’t see that. Marcus asked Bernie why they were doing this the whole divorce thing Bernie really didn’t want to talk about it. Marcus wanted a reason as to why she would end 25 years of marriage just like that but she wasn’t willing to answer him at all. Marcus was trying to find out if there was anything Bernie wasn’t telling him. There was loads of stuff she hadn’t told him wouldn’t dare tell him and wasn’t ready to go into details at all. She tried to run off but Marcus just got annoyed with her. She couldn’t bare this anymore Marcus being here always asking questions trying to find an answer to everything. She just wanted him to leave her alone.

Bernie spent ages trying to get her patient to go to the police about her abuse but she was having none of it. Marcus came back to chat to Bernie. It seemed to him that people were gossiping behind their backs about the divorce. Well that’s what Marcus thought and Bernie really hoped that it was just that and not that Dom had been spreading stuff around the ward. Marcus and Bernie were chatting about their patient turns out she had been lying the whole time and Bernie better go have a word with her about it get her to open up about what really happened. As Marcus said lying is the coward’s way out. Bernie thought for a moment that rang true of her own life as well as her patients. But she just needed to find the right time to come clean to Marcus. But if the truth be told she was too much of a coward at the moment to do that. She managed to get her patient to open up just as Serena came back onto the ward and offered a helping hand. Her patient got out of bed and begged Bernie not to go to the police or her life would be over. Both Bernie and Serena tried to help her back into bed but she was having none of it. She blurted out that she had heard the rumor going round that Bernie had cheated on her husband with a woman and that’s why she was getting a divorce. Serena looked at her gobsmacked she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. But then again neither could Bernie how did she know that unless Dom had said something. She thought for a moment of course that’s why people have been talking about her behind her back. She wondered how many people in the hospital knew. She was so angry with Dom for telling everyone, she thought she could trust him. But it looks like she can’t not anymore. She was so embarrassed that all that just came out to full ward of staff and patients. The ward went quiet as she thanked Dom for letting out her secret gave him an annoyed look and quickly left.  
Dom went after Bernie to try and make things right tell her it wasn’t him who said anything. But she wasn’t having any of it. She was just too annoyed with him right now a good friend and he’s done this to her. Bernie had emailed him not to say anything but Dom tried to explain that he hadn’t received any email and that it wasn’t his fault. But all Bernie wanted to do at the moment was going after Marcus and explain it all before he heard it from someone else. It would look a lot worse if half the hospital knew about it before he did. But instead she had to go see to her patient that needed help. This was all she needed she just hoped that Marcus hadn’t heard anything by the time she got to him. 

She had to call upon Marcus to go back into theater with her and help out. But all she could think about while in there was whether he knew anything or not. If he did he was hiding it well. Maybe she was just worrying over nothing she couldn’t tell for certain. A load of small talk took place between Marcus and Bernie during the operation. In all reality Bernie was just trying to avoid the issue as theater wasn’t really the best place to talk about it. But some of the stuff Marcus was coming out with seemed to suggest he knew something. She waited till after surgery to have it out with him. He was really peed off and he had every right to be. She had tried ever so hard not to let it come out not in this way. He had found out from someone else in the hospital. Bernie now regretted not telling him sooner things have a way of sneaking out. If you don’t say something sooner rather than later. Marcus really didn’t care who she had slept with just that she had lied to him and he was right she just wished she had been straight with him from the start. Bernie felt really guilty not so much about lying to Marcus more about lying to her kids and what affect it would have on them. Marcus wanted to know everything but Bernie really wasn’t willing to tell him too much she was so ashamed that they had talked about everything yet she hadn’t told him the truth. Their marriage meant something once it must have or she wouldn’t have stayed married to Marcus for 25 years. But not she didn’t feel anything for him. After all that had gone on today with that Marcus had found out he didn’t want her anywhere near the children and would tell them in his own way. Bernie was worried that they would take his side and she wouldn’t get a chance to defend herself. Bernie was so angry and annoyed with herself she could have handled this better but now everything was going pear shaped.

Later on Dom bumped into Bernie on the ward and explained to her it wasn’t him and he didn’t even get her email. Bernie didn’t care anymore the damage had been done and there was nothing he could say that would make it all better. He told her she had sent the email to the wrong person and they had sent the gossip all around the hospital. Bernie realized what she had done. She had blamed Dom without finding out all the facts she was really annoyed with herself. She tried to apologize to him but Dom wasn’t having any of it. In that moment she realized what a mess she had made of her life and where she went from here she didn’t really know. She asked Serena if she wanted to go for a drink with her but Serena was busy. But said the one thing that the NHS is always good at is the rumor mill. The truth will out in some shape or form Bernie thought. Bernie realized that Serena was a bit annoyed about telling her the truth but Bernie didn’t tell Serena the truth. But Serena could see that Bernie wanted to keep her business private and she was quite OK with that. Serena suggested they both leave their private lives at home in the future. A great idea Bernie thought. But she also thought most of this wasn’t her fault that all this came out at work. She was only annoyed that she hadn’t told Marcus sooner.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a funny case comes up and Bernie's feelings get stronger

Bernie was leaving work a week later and spotted Serena who was looking really annoyed, Bernie thought she’s go see if she needed help. Turns out Serena had, had her car broken into and stolen. Was this really a good idea to go help Serena again after what happened last week she was trying to avoid people as much as she could. Especially Serena, she felt terrible after Serena had told her all about her life and divorce and Bernie had lied right to her face. But she wasn’t the type of person to leave Serena standing there in the cold. She offered to give her a life home and borrow the car phone to report her car as stolen. Serena took her up on that offer. Maybe Serena wasn’t as mad with Bernie as she thought. Bernie liked that and decided to at least just be friends with her again. 

Bernie joined Serena on AAU again the next day. She was so pleased that Serena could see that Bernie would rather keep most of her stuff private and that’s why she didn’t tell Serena about the affair. That was true friendship Bernie thought. Bernie was asking how it went with her car but Serena was so annoyed that neither the police nor the car insurance people wanted to know about it. Bernie secretly loved it when Serena was annoyed she looked so attractive, not that she would say that out loud. Bernie was really hoping that Serena would be working with her today on AAU, but Serena said she was busy with too much paperwork to help out. Oh well next time Bernie thought. She was explaining to Serena that AAU was a surgeon down and they had sent for her to come and help out. Bernie loved being asked to work on AAU meant more time to spend with Serena. Serena smiled; Bernie thought maybe Serena also loves working with me either that or she just likes me because I know what I’m doing. Either way Bernie still loved it she always loved it when Serena smiled at her. It gave her a warm feeling inside. Bernie was trying to encourage Serena to help her out with quite a juicy case on the ward, but Serena was having none of it. Bernie persuaded her that it was worth her time and to take a look. Bernie was explaining about the patient all the while trying not to laugh. Bernie showed Serena the patient who had somehow managed to get a bath tap wedged up his bum. Serena was trying to be professional while both Fletch and Bernie were trying ever so hard not to snigger about it. 

Both Bernie and Serena went into the office. They gave in and started laughing really hard. Bernie loved this she had missed having a friend to laugh at things with. This was the happiest she had been since starting work at Holby. They started discussing the case and what they were going to do to get the tap out. But they couldn’t stop laughing like school girls. The plan was to take him into theater and pull it out. Bernie suggested she did it, Serena asked why she was better for the job. Bernie said it’s because she had the edge. Bernie said that so confidently like she was trying to impress Serena. But Serena was having none of it. Serena called her a big Macho army medic. Bernie smiled she rather liked being called that in that one moment her heart skipped a beat. Then she remembered that she was a lying macho army medic. But Serena didn’t seem to mind about that bit and waved it off. Bernie liked that about Serena she was so forgiving. Was she the same with everyone or maybe just her, she didn’t know and never bothered to ask. Bernie asked who was going to do the deed, they couldn’t decide so Serena suggested they arm wrestle for it. Bernie thought that was a bad idea on two accounts one she was much stronger than Serena and two she though she shouldn’t get that close to Serena for the likelihood she would fall for her even more than she already was. But Serena was so insistent on challenging her. She finally gave in pulled up a chair and lent on the desk with her arm and hand out. Bernie tried to warn her about being so good but Serena just said we’ll see. Bernie smiled her heart skipped a beat as her hand interlocked with Serena’s. Bernie was trying so hard not to look too happy and give the game away. Bernie signalled them to start it seem to look one sided and Bernie was going to win. But Bernie thought for a moment she would give Serena the upper hand just to keep her on side. She let her grip go for a moment and finally Serena won. What was she doing, Bernie wouldn’t normally let someone else win over her in a war of strength but it seems she just did. What was happening to her? Serena cheered she gave Bernie a smug look as she left the office. Bernie sat back in her chair and smiled. For once she was pleased that she let someone else bet her, her heart was still pounding she was so pleased with herself. Not that she let Serena see that. 

Bernie came onto the ward to tell Serena it was time for theater. But Serena was busy with other matters. Bernie yet again was trying not to laugh. Serena decided to go into theater after all; she wasn’t going to give Bernie the satisfaction of doing the job herself. Bernie was secretly glad that Serena would be joining her in theater. She loved the time they spent together in theater working side by side. 

While they were in theater they were chatting about the hacking scandal and what they were going to do about it. Serena had been tasked with trying to find out who leaked the files. Bernie offered to take over from Serena but she wanted to do it herself, she had to get something right today. Bernie watched Serena as she went about her business. She always loved to watch Serena in theater it was always a turn on for Bernie. She watched as Serena tried to pull the tap out but was having no luck at all, Bernie told her to try again. Still nothing. Bernie tried not to look smug like I told you so. Bernie was also finding it hard not to stare at Serena for long periods. She always loved to help Serena out when she couldn’t do it and this was one of those times she took over from Serena. She made taking the tap out look really easy. Serena looked puzzled she asked Bernie if she had let her win at arm wrestling. Bernie tried to deny it but Serena new better not that either of them minded. Bernie was trying to do everything she could to impress Serena and it looked like it might be working. Serena gave a half smile as they left theater.

Serena was telling Bernie about being suspended. Bernie was offering words of wisdom, which Serena was quite thankful for. Bernie thought it was a great opportunity to ask Serena out for a drink, but she declined. Bernie was a bit disappointed but could see it from Serena’s point of view. She had to get a grip and accept Serena wouldn’t go for a drink with her every time she asked her. Bernie let Serena go her own way. Bernie looked back as Serena left the hospital. She loved getting a good long look at her from a distance it always showed off her great figure. Bernie walked down the corridor with a big smile on her face.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You'll be my first port of call

Bernie had just started her shift on AAU and was seeing to a patient when Serena came on to the ward. She had totally forgot that Serena was back today after her weeks suspension. She was so pleased to see her after having a whole week without her. Her face lit up as Serena gave her that usual smile. This was going to be a great day Bernie thought, now that she was back working with Serena.

Serena was in the office looking at all the mess. Bernie was apologizing for all the mess she had left. She never was one to keep things tidy. Marcus did most of the tidying at home and she had always been a messy person. She dashed around tidying things up. She decided it might be best to stay for the day help out and hand over properly. But in her heart she just wanted an excuse to stay and be with Serena more. Serena was chatting to Bernie when Hansen came in to the office. Bernie was so busy listening to Serena she didn’t notice him come in. She stared at Serena one last time and left the office. 

Bernie was seeing to a patient when Serena came over to give her a hand. She couldn’t help but keep giving Serena little looks here and there as they both read the patient notes together. Not that Serena really noticed. That was the thing Bernie thought Serena never notices much with me but then why would she. It’s not like she feels the same way or anything and if there was a slim chance she did have feelings for Bernie she was hiding it well. Bernie couldn’t see any signs. Bernie was still giving Serena little looks as they left their patient to go to the office. Later that day Bernie came over to Serena to ask her opinion on her patient, after a small discussion Serena was called away. Bernie looked up at Serena as she left Bernie really couldn’t help but keep looking at Serena every opportunity she got. She knew she really should but did anyway like some secret guilty pleasure.

Bernie joined Serena in the office to talk about her patient. To Bernie it seemed that Serena was flirting with her, but then Bernie thought she might just be reading into things that weren’t there. She gave Serena one of her usual Smiles and they both left the office. A bit later on Serena joined Bernie at the desk to look over a patients test results. Bernie loved how Serena swans around AAU like she owns it but she does have a certain grace to her walk Bernie thought. As she watched her leave and walk over to where Hansen was standing. Bernie loved the view from that angle it showed her figure off really well. 

Bernie came over to ask Serena if she could have a word with her. Serena left her patient and wondered over to Bernie. Bernie was chatting to Serena about her patient and their options, Serena was really annoyed with Bernie she had found out Bernie was here to baby sit her as they say and Serena didn’t like that. That was why Bernie didn’t want Serena knowing she was there for that reason. If she had found out that at the beginning of the day Serena wouldn’t of let her stay on the ward and Bernie wanted more than anything another Shift alongside Serena. Bernie was now really annoyed that Serena had somehow found out about this.

Bernie tried hard not to stare at Serena while they were seeing to a patient; she could see that Serena was still annoyed with her. Bernie really hated it when Serena was mad. Guy was giving Serena a ticking off for calling him down when he didn’t need to be. Bernie jumped in and told him it was her call to ask him down. Serena looked at Bernie confused. Before Bernie came back to Holby she wouldn’t have taken the rap for anyone no matter what it was. Maybe being round Serena was changing her for the better. Serena was asking Bernie what she was playing at. Bernie was just taking the rap for Serena because she thought she was out of order earlier and needed make it up to her. Even later on when they met up on the ward Serena was still annoyed with Bernie even though Bernie had taken the rap for her earlier in the day. She still went into theater with Serena just to observe her. Bernie loved watching Serena at work in theater. Her long nimble fingers going about her work with little effort. To Bernie Serena still looked beautiful even in scrubs and a gown. Serena made Bernie take over the operation. Bernie wondered why, Serena was more than capable of doing it herself without Bernie’s help. Not that Bernie was complaining at all, she just did as she was told.

Bernie went into the office she wanted to find out why Serena left her to finish the operation. Bernie looked at Serena as she was packing all the things in her office into a box; it looked like she was leaving. Bernie look a little disappointed about that. She was trying to tell Serena that she had her back but it looked like Serena was having none of it. Bernie bid farewell to Serena it was fun while it last she said as she left the office. She’d dare let Serena see that she was in fact really disappointed that Serena was leaving. But for once decided not to put up a fight it was for the best she thought, or was it? She really didn’t want to get involved. This time for once she was going with her head instead of her heart.  
Bernie was asked by Serena to join her in Hansen’s office she wondered why and what was going on. Serena decided to retract her resignation and stay at Holby after all. Bernie was secretly happy about this. She loved working with Serena over the past few weeks and didn’t want that to end over one stupid little thing. Serena was explaining to Hansen that Bernie has been very useful today and as she saw both her and Bernie as equals asked Hansen if she and Bernie could both run AAU together. Half her workload a bit as it had all got on top of her too much. Bernie smiled, she really liked that idea. She would do anything to spend more time with Serena. 

Raf thought the way things were going Serena and Bernie was just about ready for a war between each other. But Bernie and Serena walked past and both just smiled. Bernie was so pleased that Serena had decided to stay and that they would both be working together a bit more. She smiled as they both walked out of the hospital and over the road to Albies for a drink. 

They was both Explaining to Raf and Fletch that they would both be co leading AAU together. Raf thought it might not be such a great idea both working together side by side as they wouldn’t get on but Bernie tried to reassure them it was fine, in fact Bernie was so happy about this arrangement. Not that she would show it to the others she was trying to keep professional about it all. Serena was explaining to Bernie how the co-lead job was all her idea. She was a fool not to ask Bernie to come and help. She had got round to opening Bernie’s present she had left for her and realise that Bernie had always got Serena’s back and that’s what she needed right now. Bernie tried not to look smug with herself, but inside she was so happy that things were working out her way for once. Serena offered to watch her back in return. Bernie quite liked this idea. It also meant that Serena had forgiven Bernie for her mistake earlier. It seemed that they were getting on like a house on fire at last and Bernie was so happy about that. You’ll be my first port of call Bernie proclaimed Serena smiled at her. Bernie felt like her heart was about to burst out of her chest. Bernie wasn’t about to let Serena forget that in a hurry. Not that Serena minded one bit.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update thanks to christmas and the new year plus i got into loads of other stuff and forgot i was writing this enjoy

Bernie turned up for work with a big handful of files and paperwork, she was struggling a bit her back was hurting her a lot in the last few days. She asked Morven to help her lighten the load. Just then Serena turned up to have a word with her. Bernie gave a small smile. Serena started talking to her about Morven. Not that Bernie was really listening to her, her heart was pounding and her legs were like jelly. She stared at Serena for a moment, and then mumbled some useless trivia about ice cream. Serena gave her a puzzled look and left. Dam it Bernie thought why the hell did you have to go say that now she will think I’m totally weird. She stood there for a minute staring into the distance as she watched Serena go about her work, before going back to the office. 

Later on in the day she came back to two coffees and a smile she’d met up with Serena’s nephew Jason on the way back to AAU. He was telling her some of the stuff Serena had told him about Bernie. She laughed out loud; she thought for a second what other things had Serena told Jason about her. She liked it that Serena spoke about her to other people away from the hospital. Maybe there was some hope for them one day. No snap out of it Wolfe she thought of course there’s no hope it’s far too early in the friendship for any of that. She offered Serena one of the Coffees she had bought, she knew Serena’s coffee order off by heart but Serena was too busy to accept it. Serena was too busy to see to Jason so Bernie offered to let him help her for a few hours. She stared at Serena as she left to go about her work. Bernie would never normally let someone come and work with her; she always preferred to work alone. But she would do anything to please Serena even if she didn’t notice. 

Later that day she joined Serena in the office where she was sitting at her desk. Bernie smiled she loved it when she was alone with Serena in her office. Serena was reading out a CV that Bernie had Jason do. Bernie was just trying to encourage Jason to do new things and get a job but Serena wasn’t having any of It. She thought Bernie was interfering when really all she was trying to do was help. Bernie hated it when she and Serena argued. She was annoyed with herself she always had to take things a little too far, but she couldn’t help it, it was part of who she was. Just then Fletch came rushing into the office asking for help with a patient. She needed to go to theater, Bernie wanted to help Serena out but clearly Serena was still too annoyed with Bernie to want her help. Bernie watched helplessly as Serena whisked her patient away to be treated. Bernie still had a lot of feelings for Serena even though she was annoyed with her. She’ll come round in the end Bernie thought she always does. But this didn’t make Bernie feel any better about the situation that she had created. 

During the day while Serena was in theater Bernie still couldn’t resist helping Jason out. This only made Serena even madder then she already was with Bernie. Bernie tried to make it up with Serena but whatever she did just made it worse. Bernie was trying to explain to Serena that she would do better to loosen her grip on people, but Serena wasn’t taking any of Bernie’s advice at all. Serena went off with the ump, no matter what the situation she right now she couldn’t find it in her heart to be at all mad with Serena. 

Bernie entered the office later on that day to give Serena some patient files she had left behind. Bernie stood there for a moment before trying to give Serena an apology of sorts. Explaining that with all that was going on she was missing her kids and she transferred that onto Serena and that was wrong. Serena also tried to apologise for everything she said but Bernie just waved it off. Bernie would never normally accept an apology with such ease, what was happening to her she thought what was Serena doing to her. Serena was trying to explain her behaviour. Bernie listened hanging on every word Serena said. She loved listening to Serena she had the most perfect voice Bernie had ever known, in fact she could listen to Serena all night and not get bored. Serena was explaining everything and Bernie realised she didn’t know hardly anything about Jason and was mostly in the wrong for things she did and said today. They decided they were both in the wrong and just to forget it and make up. Bernie was relieved that they had made up with a handshake any excuse to be closer to Serena. Bernie struggled to get up her back was giving her some problems again. Bernie hated it when it caused her pain, she hated showing she was weak. But Serena could already see Bernie’s problem and asked her about it. Bernie found herself opening up about it, much to her surprise as she was normally a very private person and didn’t want anyone knowing her business. Serena offered to give her a back massage to ease the pain a little. Bernie accepted her kind offer and sat down. Inside she was so happy, but she was trying not to show it. She didn’t want to show Serena how keen she was. Her heart was pounding and hands were all sweaty, she was trying ever so hard to stay calm as Serena’s hands worked their magic over her back. Serena always did have great hands she noticed that from the times she had watched her in theatre and now was so happy to be experiencing them first hand. As Serena run her hands over her Bernie felt warmth down her back like she had never felt before. She would have liked nothing more than to turn and kiss Serena there and then but decided it wasn’t the best idea well not today anyway.


End file.
